Listing To Port - Dan Brotzel

Listing to port

SATURDAY

Alka Seltzer
Vit B tabs (ones that fizz)
Coffee
Red Bull
Doritos
Eggs
Sausages (thick ones)
Mail/Mirror/FourFourTwo

TUESDAY

Smints
Mouthwash
Nice boxers
Bananas
Condoms
Guardian/Economist/Vanity Fair/TLS
Get cash out (loads)
Condoms

FRIDAY

Condoms
3 bottles red wine (min £12 each)

Big pack spaghetti
2 medium onions
Olive oil
3 garlic cloves (how many bulbs = 1 clove??)
500g lean minced beef
90g chestnut mushrooms
400g can chopped tomatoes
Hot beef stock (or cold and reheat?)
Worcestershire sauce
Ground black pepper
Sea salt
Tomato puree
Freshly grated parmesan (to serve)
1tsp oregano

Teaspoons!

Decent plates
Knives
Forks
Daffodils
Vase for flowers
Wine glasses

CDs? (timeless but not cheesy – Motown?)
CD player
Speakers

Subscribe to Spotify (no ads)
Get laptop fixed

1 kg potty puree (dried herbal incense thing)
Bin bags
Dishcloths, wipes, tissues
Shake n vac stuff
Kitchen roll
Nice duvet cover/Pillow cases/Sheets
Toilet bleach (x 3/4)
Handgel
Antibacterial cleaners, all kinds
Dry-clean rugs? Curtains?

Gin (NOT Tescos own)
Fever Tree
Posh ice cream
Baileys
Croissants
Coffee
Strawberry jam
Blueberries, raspberries etc
Milk

Condoms
Furry handcuffs??

Polyfilla

WEDNESDAY

Nice card or nice writing paper
Perfume (expensive)
Fancy hand conditioner stuff? (posh)
Ear-rings or nice bracelet? (both?)
Box and bubble-wrap
Post Office -- send Express?? Get her to sign??

Send flowers

THURSDAY

Call EE -- check phone working

FRIDAY

Call EE
Get Cosmopolitan/Marie Claire etc
Library – get that Mars & Venus book

SATURDAY

Call EE
Call mum

SUNDAY

Lager x 12
Wine box (red) (or white)
Tissues
Wotsits (big pack)
Chocolate milk
Large bar Dairy Milk
Pepperami
Potato waffles
Chocolate milk stuff
Pot noodles
Coffee!!
Band-Aids
Savlon
Doughnuts
Bottle of port (Tesco’s own)

Originally published by Reflex Press 2018

Dan Brotzel is the author of a collection of short stories, Hotel du Jack (Sandstone Press), and a novel, The Wolf in the Woods (Bloodhound, forthcoming). He is also co-author of a comic novel, Work in Progress (Unbound). His new book, Awareness Daze, is an account of his attempt to observe a different awareness day/fake holiday every single day for a year.
Twitter: @brotzel_fiction. Bluesky: @danbrotzel.bsky.social